By Caroline Turner
In my workshops, I often talk about men, women and meeting behavior. I begin a story about something that has happened to me. It goes like this: “In a meeting, I offer a thought or idea that I think is valuable. There is no response. A few minutes later . . .” I pause in the story here; then several women finish it, chiming in with, “. . . a man says the same thing and the other guys think it’s brilliant.” They can finish the story because this happens to women regularly.
It may be a surprise to some men that women feel that their comments don’t get the same response as a man’s – and that they are often “stolen.” A few years ago, I told my boss, the CEO, that women often experience this – and that it undermines their sense of being included and valued. He responded that he didn’t think this occurs. At the very next senior staff meeting, it did occur. When Bill repeated the very idea I had suggested three minutes earlier, I simply made eye contact with my boss. He looked a bit wide-eyed, but said quickly, “Bill, it looks like you agree with what Caroline said.” Now aware of this phenomenon, my boss is now able to validate other women whose ideas are “stolen.”
Do men “steal” good ideas from women? One theory is that work is a game for men. Men and women work very much like they played as children. Men are energized by competing to win – at work just as in the games they played as boys. The good idea put on the table is the “ball.” The woman left it there, so it is fair to pick it up and run with it.
I think the man’s behavior in such a situation is rarely this conscious. Maybe the good idea was heard at a subconscious or subliminal level, not clearly at the conscious level. So the man actually thinks it is his idea when it comes out of his mouth. Why would the woman’s idea not have been clearly heard? The way women tend to talk at work provides an explanation.
Little girls are taught to “share” and “wait their turn.” In business meetings, research shows, women talk less than men. A woman may wait her turn, which may not come. Or she may speak succinctly, not wanting to take up more than her “fair share” of time. It is harder for some women to interrupt – or to take the floor back when interrupted. Women, more than men, get the feedback on performance evaluations, “Does not speak up in meetings.” If a woman has behaved this way in meetings, others may simply not anticipate powerful contributions. So they may simply not pay attention to her great ideas.
Although women who behave in feminine ways aren’t seen as powerful, women who “overly” use masculine approaches (like being competitive and assertive) are not liked. This is the double bind. Many women do speak up, assert their ideas with authority, interrupt, and hold the floor when interrupted. But the double bind may penalize them for doing so.
The masculine style of communication is to use declarative sentence structure, for example, “This chair is blue.” This form of speech sounds confident; confident behavior is associated with competence. Many men speak with certitude even if they aren’t sure that they are right; the chair may be teal! The feminine style of communicating is to use disclaimers (“I’m not sure but . . .”), hedges (“I think this chair is teal”) and tag questions (“This chair is teal, right?”). Many women use these styles of speech even when they are 100% sure! Even a brilliant idea won’t get its due when expressed as if the speaker doesn’t think it is brilliant!
The masculine style of influencing others is to use commanding language. A typical man will tell the team, “Here is what we need to do.” The feminine style of influencing is to persuade. A woman may tell her team, “I have an idea that I want you to consider.” Or she may phrase her idea as a question, for example, “What do you think of this idea?” The masculine style is associated with leadership and power. The feminine style is not. Again, the double bind causes some women to use a less commanding approach.
Even tone of voice may work against women. Leadership and authority are associated with the deep masculine voice, not with a softer, higher pitched tone.
Instead of consciously “stealing” a woman’s ideas, men may simply be reacting to what they view as a lack of power in the way the idea is presented. She expressed a good idea. He understands the idea but re-expresses it in a more powerful way. Indeed, the phenomenon has a lot to do with power. Minorities tell me they have experienced having their ideas credited to someone else. Men tell me that they see this occur when an idea is offered by a man who isn’t viewed highly.
So women are not the only group where a disparity of power influences whose ideas are heard. But women are one such group. Women have historically held less power in the business world than men; power is associated with masculine approaches; women are discouraged from behaving in “too” masculine a way. If a woman points out that an idea expressed by another is actually her idea, she may face that double bind. Taking credit is not a “ladylike” behavior!
The fact that women aren’t alone in having their ideas credited to others doesn’t mean this isn’t an important issue. Women are more likely to stay, thrive and make their greatest contributions in a culture in which they feel valued and heard. A woman doesn’t feel valued when there is no response to her good idea unless it is expressed by someone else. Having one’s ideas credited to another can be invalidating. This can be one of a “thousand paper cuts” that eventually causes women to disengage, quit speaking up and stall in reaching their full potential.
Awareness of this phenomenon is the starting point. Women can practice speaking up more; they can learn to interrupt (politely), hold the floor, and speak with greater confidence and power (having due regard for the double bind). Both men and women can notice when a women’s idea doesn’t get the reaction it deserves. They can endorse the idea and give credit where it is due if another person “steals” the idea.
I wish that women could trust that they will always get credit for their good ideas. At least in my lifetime, we need to be grateful to those men (and women) who speak up, generate discussion on good ideas presented by women, and recognize the source of the idea. The result is more engaged women — and more good ideas!
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Reprinted from Forbes.com
Caroline Turner is the author of Difference Works: Improving Retention, Productivity and Profitability through Inclusion, began her career as a successful lawyer in a private practice, becoming partner in a large regional firm in the demanding area of securities law and mergers and acquisitions. Later, she climbed the corporate ladder at Coors Brewing Company and its parent company (now MillerCoors and MolsonCoors) to become the company’s first female Senior Vice President. Turner is now a business consultant, advising clients on creating cultures of inclusion, facilitating workshops and delivering speeches.
