By Pamela Antil – Assistant City Administrator, Santa Barbara, CA
Recently, my family and I moved from Palo Alto in the San Francisco Bay Area to the central coast of California for me to accept the Assistant City Administrator position in Santa Barbara. While my husband Dave and I had previously lived in southern California earlier in our marriage, my daughters (Sydney 16 years old & Peyton 14 years old) had not. New school, friends, etc. were on tap for them.
In addition, for the first time, Dave would be taking a break from his full-time work in the world of digital advertising and would pick up more of the household and kid duties as a stay home dad. Don’t get me wrong, Dave Antil has always been a great household partner. He changed diapers, dropped off toddlers at daycare, and loves being a dad. But, in the Bay Area, his commute time by train was over an hour to and from work, leaving less time to participate in the seemingly endless drop off and pick up of kids in school, athletics, and other activities as the kids got older.
Proof of life – Dave Antil DOES exist!
This was to be a new adventure for all of us!
It’s now been about two and a half months since we’ve landed in this gorgeous, laid back beach town and I am reflecting on how different my new job work experience has been with not having to do as much of the “household” stuff in comparison to the first few months at previous jobs. On the one hand, the workday flows in a way that I had not experienced previously. I no longer feel rushed to be done with an assignment, a meeting, or even just casual office conversations because I rarely have to pick up either of my girls from school or practice. I imagine this is what it must have been like for my dad when I was growing up and my mom was a stay at home mom.
On the other hand, things are different at home. I am now, more often than not, completely out of the loop on the week’s activities for school and other events. This has been a little hard for me to accept as I was previously right in the middle of all of those decisions and enjoyed being able to control and direct how all of these activities would be planned and executed throughout the week along with dentist, doctor, and other appointments. I must admit that I have always enjoyed being in control of the “household” schedule of those appointments, events, birthday parties, and house maintenance. I am a great project manager at work and at home, thank you very much! And we like to control what we are good at. For example, I am that mom who assigns dishwasher duty and then re-loads the dishes the “right way.”
I have taken a step back from all of those items to fully focus on the new job. And, it turns out, all of that stuff CAN and DOES happen WITHOUT ME! And it works out just fine. Thank you Dave Antil!
But, the most important thing I’ve noticed is that my relationship with my teen daughters has changed — for the better. Because we spend less time together, than previously, our conversations are better and special. And, they get to share things with their dad in a way that they hadn’t previously done because I was always around to be that parental listening ear. As the primary driver now, Dave definitely hears more about the day, who’s happy, and who’s having issues and problems because a lot of those things are shared “in the car.” As a man living in a house with all women, he often felt a little left out because everything was just a whirlwind when he got home from work. Now, he is fully engaged, for better or worse, in the lives of two teen girls.
It’s been good for all of us to experience different roles and expectations these past couple of months. I’m certain these roles will continue to change as we fully immerse ourselves in Santa Barbara and again when Dave transitions back to the world of advertising. Until then, I plan to enjoy this break from being the primary parent for as long as it lasts. I am so grateful to my husband for picking up all the slack to give me the opportunity to shine at work.
I will, however, still secretly re-load the dishwasher when I get home from work.
